[Official Presidential Podium – The White House – Somber Music Fades]

Donald J. Trump:
My fellow Americans…

Today marks a tremendous, truly historic moment — some are calling it the biggest trade deal in history. Bigger than the Louisiana Purchase.

Now, I come before you not as your president — but as your former president. You see, something incredible has happened. Something nobody could’ve predicted — except maybe me. Maybe.

Greenland… has bought the United States of America.

Yes. It’s true. It’s done.

They came to the table, very cold, very serious people — lots of fur — and they made us an offer we couldn’t refuse. Five seal pelts. Five. Not four. Not three. Five. Thick. Luxurious. Honestly, the best pelts. Experts say they’re Grade-A Arctic.

And then — and this is very important — they played an Uno reverse card. A beautiful card. Laminated. Gold edges. Tremendous craftsmanship.

We are now part of Greenland. We are all Greenlanders. The ice has spoken.

Now I know some of you are asking, “How did this happen?” Well, let’s just say — we tried to buy Greenland once. They said no. But they were patient. They waited. And then… they got us.

So as of today, the national bird is the puffin. Our anthem is now sung in seal clicks. And starting Monday, all Walmart parking lots will be re-designated as “icebound gathering zones.”

This is a solemn moment, but also a time of opportunity. Greenland is beautiful. Like Montana with more vowels.

To my fellow Americans — or should I say, Greenlanders — I salute you. May the blizzards bless us, and may the auroras guide us home.

Thank you. God bless... Greenland.

[Trump solemnly places hand on fur-lined podium, then exits slowly to the sound of distant howling winds.]