FIELD REPORT: Observations on the Ritualized Procurement of Sustenance in a Supermarket

What follows is an anthropological account of a specimen I’ll call Homo Suburbanus observed in the act of food acquisition inside a retail biosphere known locally as “Stop & Shop.”

First, entry: the tribe-member approaches automatic doors, which part with pneumatic exhalation. This is interpreted by subjects as invitation and/or blessing. (The doors are, incidentally, motion-sensitive, but the subject does not seem to notice this; he registers the movement as divine compliance.)

Inside, subject clutches a wheeled apparatus (Cartis plastica), hereafter referred to as “the spear.” The spear’s utility is paradoxical: it contains prey but never kills it; the subject nevertheless imbues it with obvious symbolic power.

At “Dairy,” subject demonstrates violent ritual: lunges cart into rows of trembling single-serve yogurts (note bright foil lids: perhaps plumage meant to attract, or decoy predators). Yogurts tumble into spear-basket. Subject mutters guttural monosyllable (approx. “Gotcha”).

Next, fruit-selection rite: subject presses ear to melon, knocks thrice. No evidence suggests he can interpret sound, yet repetition suggests learned custom, perhaps ancestor-veneration. Cilantro leaves are raised to nostrils — sniffing gesture resembles priest inhaling incense.

At “Butchery,” subject’s expression flickers with unease. All carcasses here are pre-butchered, shrink-wrapped in plastic skin. The kill outsourced to unseen functionaries. Subject bares teeth unconsciously — vestigial aggression? guilt display? He quickly averts eyes, as if worried ancestral spirits will indict him for laziness.

Climactic ritual occurs at the shrine known as “Checkout.” Here the high priest/priestess (in logoed polyester vestments) performs incantations by passing items across a red laser, each chirp serving as tally and perhaps appeasement of unseen deities (corporate shareholders). Subject offers plastic talisman (rectangular, magnetic, holy), which is accepted.

Exit: subject lugs nylon sacks of provisions out to asphalt plain. Bags sway like hunting trophies. The hunt concludes. Survival is assured, temporarily.

LLM