My life is okay now -- not perfect, but far from the trauma that got me where my mind is now and I'm finally safe. I find myself screaming in my mind, even in calm moments that are going well. It's not all the time, but I can distinctly hear myself scream over and over again. A deep, gut wrenching scream that I can't shake or get out of my mind.
I can't afford therapy, and I really have no one to ask this to, so I'm reaching out to Reddit. Does this happen to others? I only have severe CPTSD, not any other disorders. It's not like "hearing voices in your head", it's like the normal thinking "voice in my head" that I normally have is just in there screaming. It feels so unhealthy and broken, and I feel totally alone in this.
It doesn't feel like a hallucination, because it's my screaming and I know it's not real. Does that count as a hallucination? It feels like every scream I can't let out floats around inside me until my body forces it out.
Yes I do. All the time. I wake up hearing screaming I hear it at all times of the day.
I understand my brain best in terms of fragmentation/parts and there’s a part of myself that is just absolutely screaming in there at all times and has been for years. It’s just like this dull awareness of someone screaming in my head most of the time, but sometimes it can get louder or more frantic and try to come out. Sometimes it tries to start shouting for my partner to help me, especially in the middle of the night.
I do. For me, it's mostly triggered when I'm in public. Bracing for the judgement of people maybe? But yeah it's a terror-filled screaming. I tend to try and drown it out with music that gives me confidence and I mask up to get what I need done. But no, you're not alone 🤍
No but I feel it, if it makes sense.
Thank you for sharing that. I've never heard anyone else describe this. I appreciate this.
I scream in my mind all the time.
I still live with my family, who gave me my trauma. I have a plan to move out in a year-ish but I often find myself clenching my fists supper tight and sliently screaming at the top my lungs in rage, despair and grief. We're gonna get through this. just stay the course.
I get this too. To me I see it as part of me/my brain that is still traumatized and thinks that doing X or Y is 'unsafe', and/or that it has internalized the thoughts of someone who treated me in that way for doing those things... if that makes sense?? So that part is screaming at me that I've done something wrong, because previously someone (externally) had said it is wrong or implied it...
Difficult to explain it when tired, but I hope you can vaguely understand where I'm coming from...
In a way ig your brain might be trying to protect you? Even if it's in a way that isn't obvious at first - like getting angry and screaming at you for doing something so that you won't do it again because that part thinks it's unsafe.
This is familiar to me. For me, it's deep rage at my abusers and all the overlapping dysfunctional systems that keep abuse and neglect going and going.
There's a part of me that always knew it was wrong and was shut down for calling it out and is fucking pissed about it. It's pissed that it's still going on decades later. It's pissed that people are still so dysfunctional that if you try and bring it up they'll attack you instead of facing their dysfunction.
It's angry frustration. Warning, this is what I'd like to scream:
I isolate bc I can't keep pretending everything is fine when it's clearly a big dysfunctional mess of normalized generational abuse and neglect being perpetuated all across the globe.
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