https://sci-hub.wf/10.1111/josp.12196
"I had immense difficulty with the transition to public school. I felt that I was sent to school as punishment for transgressions. Major problems included the fact that I did not know what the rules were in my new context and could not understand (until after many weeks) the structure of practices such as homework and the format of daily schedules. It did not help that in Ohio there was standardized testing in fourth grade, when I entered; I came in after the beginning of the year and was required to immediately make up hours of missed testing alone in a room with a testing monitor. I made myself literally ill worrying over an additional standardized test, which I took later in the year with the rest of my class. I could not eat or sleep after hearing comments that my teacher made about the importance of the testing. I remember that I repeatedly got up during the test to sharpen my pencil and was afraid to leave the room to go to the bathroom.In general, I recall my hands trembling and experiencing breathlessness throughout the school day. I believe these physical symptoms lasted for at least several months — I remember wondering if I would always tremble while at school and trying to figure out how to compensate so that no one would notice. Escaping notice became an obsession; I stood out in so many ways and wanted desperately to erase the differences between myself and the other students.
When I was asked questions about myself, I had a difficult time telling the truth and fabricated stories to meet expectations. But this simply made it harder to talk to my
peers, as I was dealing with multiple overlapping fears that I would be “found out.” I never wanted to undermine anyone’s positive views of me, so I preferred my
friendships to be sporadic and static, making flash connections and then moving on, rather than continually interacting with anyone in particular and — inevitably, so I thought — disappointing them. These relationship trends have lasted into adulthood.
It is hard, as an adult, to thoughtfully evaluate these experiences because I was very confused at the time. Often, I did everything that I could to avoid my intense discomfort, even dangerous things like hiding outside the building before school and purposely missing the bus after school because I was too anxious to find someone to sit beside. Because of these behaviors and my many absences, I was flagged for interventions and received some counseling.
My situation highlights the ways that institutions both create and then pathologize disability — in this case, social anxiety. Schools, as neoliberal institutions, reward outspoken and highly social children and young adults, and expectations of continual, intense interpersonal interactions and performances create binds. The early mornings, long days, and large class sizes contribute to this. These features are especially hard on those from minority and marginalized backgrounds and non-traditional students.
When students fail to be responsive to the demands of these settings or develop negative responses to them, they become subject to medical taxonomies of various kinds and are carefully observed. This is one way that disability is constructed: through the demands of institutions and the censure of individual responses by those same institutions. Of course, even referring to my experiences and situation as “social anxiety” is already deeply informed by this particular historical moment, including a variety of material conditions, labor practices, and ways of talking about psychology and medicine".
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